you're better than you think

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you're better than you think

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0 Ways to Feel Better About Yourself
Don't get insulted, deal with your fears, and keep going.

Posted Mar 31, 2011

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1. Identify troubling conditions or situations

Again, think about the conditions or situations that seem to deflate your self-esteem. Once you've identified troubling situations, pay attention to your thoughts about them.

6. Learn to love yourself. You do not have to be who you are today, and your life is not scripted. Changing how you feel about yourself means creating a strategy, gathering some new tools, and making yourself into the person you want to be. A good way to start is to stop doing things that hurt.

Part 1
Changing Your Attitude

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Give yourself time to feel sad. Forcing yourself to feel happy without first validating your feelings of sorrow will lead to greater problems down the road. However, don’t use this as an excuse to get stuck in a rut; feel your sadness, acknowledge it, and use the wisdom you’ve gained from the experience to move on.

It's possible you don't even know why you're feeling like this. Sometimes our minds get on a track all their own that we can't decipher. If this sounds like you, then take it as a cue that your logical brain has taken a little vacation and simply needs to be put back to work.

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Eliminate negative self-talk. Telling yourself to “think positive” can be pretty underwhelming advice, especially when the mortgage payment is due, the car breaks down, and life seems out of control. Instead of trying to convince yourself that your situation is just rosy, focus your energy on approaching the unpleasantness in a positive way. This starts with monitoring and reshaping your internal monologue.

If you catch yourself thinking, “I can’t believe I’m in this mess again,” correct the thought by adding, “but I’ll pull through just like I always do.” Keep correcting these negative statements until it becomes second-nature; after that, make it your goal to eliminate the negativity altogether. You can even write it down on paper to help you get it out and view it more objectively as you correct your thoughts.
Doing this has been shown to have a number of health benefits -- including increased lifespan, a reduced risk of death from cardiovascular disease, and greater resistance to the common cold.[1]

[traveliving/Shutterstock]
Source: traveliving/Shutterstock

Some days are better than others. On those days that go less well, we usually end up being hard on ourselves. Here are some tools to avoid doing so.

1. Keep going. Don't let life's changes throw you off track, but remember that most extenuating circumstances are temporary. Gain more clarity by staying the course and channeling your energy in a positive direction.

2. Trust yourself. Believe in your inner resources, no matter what, and you'll grow from the experience. I believe that the answers usually lie within and you are probably smart enough to figure out what you need to do. Give yourself a little time and have patience.

3. Be friends with life. Remember that the world is not out to get you and it does not punish you. You do that to yourself. Learning to focus on other opportunities or in another direction can give you some perspective.

4. Watch your thoughts. Your thinking will never be 100 percent positive. You must learn to dismiss the negative thoughts and stay open to other ideas that will help you move in a positive direction. Start recognizing negative thoughts and use your mind to quell them.

5. Summon the strength you have inside. Learn to access and direct your strengths to the highest good for all concerned. Believe that your strength and intelligence can help you deal with anything. Remember that you have survived worse.

Self-esteem: Take steps to feel better about yourself

If you have low self-esteem, harness the power of your thoughts and beliefs to change how you feel about yourself. Start with these steps.

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Low self-esteem can negatively affect virtually every facet of your life, including your relationships, your job and your health. But you can boost your self-esteem by taking cues from types of mental health counseling.

Consider these steps, based on cognitive behavioral therapy.

1. Identify troubling conditions or situations

Think about the conditions or situations that seem to deflate your self-esteem. Common triggers might include:

A work or school presentation
A crisis at work or home
A challenge with a spouse, loved one, co-worker or other close contact
A change in roles or life circumstances, such as a job loss or a child leaving home

2. Become aware of thoughts and beliefs

Once you've identified troubling situations, pay attention to your thoughts about them. This includes what you tell yourself (self-talk) and your interpretation of what the situation means. Your thoughts and beliefs might be positive, negative or neutral. They might be rational, based on reason or facts, or irrational, based on false ideas.

Ask yourself if these beliefs are true. Would you say them to a friend? If you wouldn't say them to someone else, don't say them to yourself.

3. Challenge negative or inaccurate thinking

Your initial thoughts might not be the only way to view a situation — so test the accuracy of your thoughts. Ask yourself whether your view is consistent with facts and logic or whether other explanations for the situation might be plausible.

Be aware that it can be hard to recognize inaccuracies in thinking. Long-held thoughts and beliefs can feel normal and factual, even though many are just opinions or perceptions.

Also pay attention to thought patterns that erode self-esteem:

Question
How can I feel better about myself if I am the only one who failed something?
Community Answer
Just because you fail in one area doesn’t mean you don’t/can't excel in others. You have strengths that others don’t, just remember that. Focus on what you CAN do well instead of what you can't. If it was a test or school assignment you failed, talk to the teacher and see if he/she can give you some extra help with the material.
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Question
How do I feel better about myself being slender and non-muscular?
Community Answer
Remember that everyone is unique and has their own challenges. Slender people have a longer life span and are generally more healthy than others. You can gain muscle mass with strength-training exercises.
Not Helpful 1 Helpful 3
Question
How do I feel better about myself on bad days?
Community Answer
Keep your mind focused on something besides your negativity. It's easy to forget that we can control our minds. They are us, we are not them. Relaxing and distracting yourself is the first step to finding a new outlook.
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Unanswered Questions

How can I not feel bad about myself because I don't have what other people have?
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Tips

You have a purpose. Do not pay attention to the people who put you down; fulfill your purpose/dream.
Some common mistakes you make when thinking negatively about yourself include all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralizing, mind-reading, catastrophizing, labeling, and fortune-telling.
Don't beat yourself up over imperfections; turn the tables around and try to think differently about them. Remember that no one else in the entire earth is exactly like you.
Smile whenever you feel down. It actually releases hormones that can make you feel happy.

9. Recognize that disappointment is part of life. Even the most successful people have to deal with disappointment, but they've learned how to use it to get to the next level of life. The trick is to process your feelings, then take some kind of action.

10. Deal with your fears. Overcoming fear makes you stronger, and being a little scared can make you better. You want to have butterflies; you just want them flying in formation. It helps to understand and admit your fears. Then you can kick them to the curb.

Feel good about yourself, no matter what life brings. Know that each time you wake up, you have another chance to make things better. Don't waste it.

All-or-nothing thinking. You see things as either all good or all bad. For example, "If I don't succeed in this task, I'm a total failure."
Mental filtering. You see only negatives and dwell on them, distorting your view of a person or situation. For example, "I made a mistake on that report and now everyone will realize I'm not up to this job."
Converting positives into negatives. You reject your achievements and other positive experiences by insisting that they don't count. For example, "I only did well on that test because it was so easy."
Jumping to negative conclusions. You reach a negative conclusion when little or no evidence supports it. For example, "My friend hasn't replied to my email, so I must have done something to make her angry."
Mistaking feelings for facts. You confuse feelings or beliefs with facts. For example, "I feel like a failure, so I must be a failure."
Negative self-talk. You undervalue yourself, put yourself down or use self-deprecating humor. For example, "I don't deserve anything better."

4. Adjust your thoughts and beliefs

Now replace negative or inaccurate thoughts with accurate, constructive thoughts. Try these strategies:

Use hopeful statements. Treat yourself with kindness and encouragement. Instead of thinking your presentation won't go well, try telling yourself things such as, "Even though it's tough, I can handle this situation."
Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes — and mistakes aren't permanent reflections on you as a person. They're isolated moments in time. Tell yourself, "I made a mistake, but that doesn't make me a bad person."
Avoid 'should' and 'must' statements. If you find that your thoughts are full of these words, you might be putting unreasonable demands on yourself — or on others. Removing these words from your thoughts can lead to more realistic expectations.
Focus on the positive. Think about the parts of your life that work well. Consider the skills you've used to cope with challenging situations.
Consider what you've learned. If it was a negative experience, what might you do differently the next time to create a more positive outcome?
Relabel upsetting thoughts. You don't need to react negatively to negative thoughts. Instead, think of negative thoughts as signals to try new, healthy patterns. Ask yourself, "What can I think and do to make this less stressful?"
Encourage yourself. Give yourself credit for making positive changes. For example, "My presentation might not have been perfect, but my colleagues asked questions and remained engaged — which means that I accomplished my goal."

You might also try these steps, based on acceptance and commitment therapy.

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Don't let anyone tell you who you are. People have a demonstrated tendency to accept and perform the roles that are assigned to them by their peers.[2] Maybe your parents have never let go of their childhood image of you as someone who can’t be taken seriously. Maybe your friends are so used to being able to count on your support that they forget to help you with your own problems. If the preconceived notions of the people around you are keeping you from your true potential, let them know. Anyone who can’t adjust to the true you shouldn’t be in your life right now.

Stand up for yourself. You don't have to argue with a fool. No matter what happens, a bully picks on you because he knows you are better than he is. You are strong and you are in control. You determine you -- no one else.

4
Create a values list. Sometimes you may feel unsure of who you are. In these times, it can help to write down a values list to help you determine what drives you and motivates you in your life. This can also help you address problems that are causing negative feelings. To write a values list:[3]

Identify a time that you were the happiest, a time when you were the proudest, and a time when you were the most fulfilled or satisfied.
Use these times to help you determine your top values. Then prioritize them in your daily life.
Don't forget to reaffirm your values when you're feeling low.

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Write a "gratitude list." This means not only your possessions (hot running water, a computer, a full refrigerator), but also the things that add value to your life (your friends, your hobbies, your convictions). Call it a "Gratitude List" because it's a list of what you're grateful for.

Sometimes it's a little hard to be grateful when you're not in the right mood. To get the juices flowing, look at someone else' life. What should they be thankful for? Alright, now how many of those things do you have too? Probably quite a few.

Flowers on Valentine's Day are pretty par for the course. But flowers for no reason? That's touching. Now think of "flowers" as any nice deed. If you can surprise someone for no good reason with something so small as a cup of coffee, their day will be made -- and hopefully so will yours.

Part 4
Changing Your Worldview

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Widen your world with new experiences and new people. It's all too easy to get wrapped up in ourselves and forget that the rest of the world exists separate to us. By constantly making yours bigger and bigger, you'll have a clearer perspective on what really matters and just how good you have it.

Talk to strangers. This is the easiest way to broaden your horizons, learn something, and benefit from others. You may be thinking, "That's a little creepy," but think about how much people love to be given attention. Talking to a stranger could be an exciting point in both of your days.

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Identify your own little world versus the real world. Too often we're guilty of thinking globally. "I failed at this" gets turned into, "I'm a failure." Maybe in your world, yes, you failed at whatever you tried to do. But are you a failure? Heck no. Not even close.

Nothing is all good or all bad. Nor are feelings facts. Thinking "I'm an abject failure" is guilty of both those things. There is no way you're all that bad (it's impossible) and that's a feeling that you're misconstruing. If you catch yourself thinking like that, stop. Get back on the train to the real world where you're just as good as everyone else (and you are).

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Part 4
Changing Your Worldview

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Remember that no one is out to get you. Thinking as such is paranoid. Most people are too busy thinking about themselves, how they come off, and the next time they'll be able to talk to worry about sabotaging you. This gives you the reins for your world. Now what are you going to do with them?

The only thing that's possible is that you are out to get you. Are you your own worst critic? If so, know that it's totally common, but it's not the healthiest of habits. Try to develop self-compassion. Treat yourself like you would treat one of your friends.

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Do a good deed. If someone asks for your help, do it. You may not be in the mood, you may even want to sulk a bit, but helping someone else will take your mind off your current woes -- and make you feel good about helping them.

This is all about knowing you're a good person. Sometimes it's easy to forget. But when we take physical action, it becomes pretty hard to ignore. If you see an opportunity (all you have to do is keep your eyes peeled), take it. Hold the door for someone. Help a friend move. Do the dishes when it's not your turn. It doesn't have to be mind-blowing. It just has to be nice.

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Make the world a bit better in small ways. Doing anonymous things feels good, too, if not better. Picking up someone's trash, donating magazines to the doctor's office, and becoming an organ donor are three examples of things that make the world a better place with no real benefit to you.[7] Congratulations! You're an awesome person. There's proof.

Donate your clothes to Goodwill. Volunteer at your local animal shelter, Habitat for Humanity, or local hospital. Donate to a worthy cause. Whether it's a one-time thing or a new habit you pick up, it's worth it. Maybe someone else will pay it forward!

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Step outside your comfort zone. Being surrounded by the same old same-old doesn’t encourage innovative solutions; doing something as simple as taking a vacation, however, will take you off autopilot, allowing you to break old behavioral patterns. Use this to your advantage; if you can’t fit a drastic change in your life right now, make little, everyday changes to your routine instead.

Put on your favorite song and dance around like crazy for a few minutes. Do something you haven't done for years. Take your friends down to the beach and bury each other in the sand. Be brave and go on that roller-coaster that you could never pluck up the courage to ride. Try something extreme, like snowboarding or canoeing. Whatever it is, just commit to it and get it done.

Community Q&A

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Remember that no one is out to get you. Thinking as such is paranoid. Most people are too busy thinking about themselves, how they come off, and the next time they'll be able to talk to worry about sabotaging you. This gives you the reins for your world. Now what are you going to do with them?

Community Q&A

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6
Tune out the shame. Take one minute to think about this question, "What is shame and how often is it useful?" Hopefully you came up with something like, "An emotion determined by society and rarely." Because that'd be true! When you feel shame, you're worried about what others think of you. And where's the value in that?!

The second you start feeling a twinge of that feeling, grab it by its horns and analyze it. If you were 7 years old, would this bother you? If you were 70, would it bother you? How about if you lived in a different culture? Chances are you'd be able to answer "no" to all those questions. Your reasons for shame have been taught to you for no good reason. Get 'em out of your brain to make room for useful feelings!
If you find that shame is a constant in your life, consider seeking professional help from a therapist.

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Lose yourself in a moment. Spend a whole day in your PJs relaxing, get into a good book, and don't let anyone disturb you. If you don’t have time for this type of mini-escape, listen to an audiobook while driving to work or riding the bus. Keep your mind focused on something besides your negativity.

It's easy to forget that we can control our minds. They are us, we are not them (in a manner of speaking). If you give your mind a new world to take it, you'll get a new world out. Relaxing and distracting yourself is the first step to finding a new outlook.

EXPERT TIP
[Nicolette Tura, MA]
Nicolette Tura, MA
Wellness Expert

Making time for self-care is essential to your wellbeing. When you're having a difficult time, it's important to make time for things like sleep, food, and relaxation. It might even be a good idea to take the day off and go do something that makes you feel good, because that will help you operate better, and you'll start to lose some of your self-doubt. Then, when you turn your attention to fixing things, your internal wisdom will help guide you toward your next step.

Part 2
Changing Your Behavior

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Make a resolution and stick with it. Today's generation is chock full of people that feel unaccomplished. You could get all existential about your life, but that won't get you anywhere. Instead, put your mind to something and do it. The action of getting something done will show you that you can overcome challenges, and make you feel capable, useful, and worthwhile.

It can be anything. Run a 10k. Overcome your shyness. Become a wine connoisseur. Whatever you can see yourself enjoying for a long time will be worth your while. But remember: the harder it is, the bigger the payoff. Losing 5 pounds is great, but losing 10 might make you feel twice as good.

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Master something. This is similar to the previous step. But mastering something, becoming a true expert, will give you a sense of identity, knowledge, and a great feeling of internal satisfaction. Whatever you're good at now, throw yourself into 150%. The payoff will be unimaginable.

When you become an expert, you know you're truly good at something. There is no room for doubt, no room for negativity. This can become a haven of positivity, reassurance, and relaxation. And, inevitably, it'll be a part of your everyday life. So if you've been hiding the fact that you play the bagpipes for 8 years now, let 'er out.

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Create something. This is also similar to the last two steps -- in fact, they can all be intertwined. Your resolution could be to become a painter. But back to the point -- creating something is so validating, especially in today's world. We walk through turning on lights with the flick of a switch, talking to people through screens, and sitting down as we scoot down the highway. Everything is done for us. Create something yourself and you become one of the few who are resourceful, knowledgeable, and tuned in.

Once more, it doesn't matter what it is. Sure, a new irrigation system for the Congo would be super great for the world at large, but making a duct tape bag gets you thinking creatively, too. What can you do with your set of talents and skills?

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Tap into your energy. This doesn't work for everyone, but it could work for you. Ever gone on a run and felt a thousand times better after (or three times better)? That's it. That's the feeling. Putting your body to work might get your brain on the right track.

It's too easy to get cooped up at the office and consider the 20-foot walk into Starbucks to be your daily gallivant with nature. Go for a walk. Get outside. Feel the sun. You'll wake up, you'll feel more energized, and you'll feel more mentally energized.

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Form new habits. Old habits may be impossible to erase from your brain,[4] but they aren’t impossible to break. Instead of trying to eradicate old habits, develop healthier, stronger alternatives that bypass the old ones. Developing new habits takes time, but once they are established, they’re with you for life.

Do some exercise! Go swimming and try a dive that you have never done before. Go to a dance class and try a style of dance that you don't know. Or try a whole new sport!
Volunteer. Working with children, puppies, and the poor are great ways to feel good about yourself. And the feeling is almost instantaneous. Want to feel happy? Go to the hospital with a puppy and ask for the cancer ward. Done.

7. Don't want too much. Desire can be a powerful motivating tool, but wanting something too much can be very painful and very expensive, so don't live beyond your means or covet the unattainable. Seek your desire, but keep your integrity.

8. Don't get insulted. It is wise to be dispassionate about critical comments. Human's will always bump heads, but consider the source, and if it's the other person's issue, ignore it. Learn to respond instead of react, and don't show your ire.

Everybody gets the blues from time to time. In fact, being plagued by self-doubt is another way of saying you're pretty normal. But if you really feel stuck, it's time for a change. Use these tips and techniques to feel better about yourself and make the better stick.

Part 3
Changing Your Relationships

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Put effort into a couple meaningful relationships. If changing your attitude isn’t something you want to (or can) do on your own, surround yourself with people that can help you on your path. Call or email a friend that always cheers you up, especially one you haven’t spoken to in a long time. Pick up the phone right now and invite your friends out.

Do something that you know will make you laugh: go bowling, see a movie, get pizza, go shopping, throw a sleepover, play a sport, or just hang out! Or, find a friend in need and share safe feelings and thoughts. People in similar situations are better at listening to and sympathizing with one another.

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Identify and avoid people who bring you down. If being around fair-weather friends or trying to maintain a relationship with an ex keeps pulling you back into bad habits, allow yourself to let go and move on. The drain on you just isn't worth it.

Behavioral studies have shown that although removing a habit trigger for long enough will cause the habit patterns in the brain to disappear, reintroducing it will cause them to reappear effortlessly as though nothing had changed. This means that a single slip-up can cause that habit you’ve been working so hard to kick to come rushing back to you.[5] This goes for things and people!

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Surround yourself with friends that make you feel good. Now that you know people can be bad habits, make sure to surround yourself with those that lift you up. After all, you are the 5 people you spend the most time with, or so they say. And the great part about this is that you'll know quickly who these people are. That fuzzy, warm feeling is pretty hard to ignore.

You don't need loads. Find 2 or 3 that can pick up everyone else's slack. Just having a couple of people to bring you back to that content feeling will do the trick.

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Don't tune into the negative. There is no pleasing everyone. There will be people that don't care for you and there will be times when you find out about it. For every time this happens, though, there are probably 10 times where people are reinforcing how great you are. Don't let the one bad apple ruin the bunch.

It's human nature to hear 10, "You're awesome!"s and one "Meh. That was fine," and concentrate on the not-so-stellar one. That's just how we work. And it's great to hear it and try to improve yourself, but getting caught up in it is ridiculous. It's the opinion of one person. This one person has no power -- so don't get them any!

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Practice emotional vulnerability.[6] Even if you can't put your finger on the problem at hand, it'll feel amazing to get it out in the open with someone you trust. Talk to a friend about what you're going through and be as honest as possible. A huge weight will be lifted off your shoulders.

Sometimes problems seem huge in our heads until we say them out loud to someone else. Saying it to someone may make you realize how petty you sound, it was just your brain that couldn't see it by itself. You'll automatically take in the other person's point of view, taking a you little further outside your box. And it could be eye-opening.

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Lift someone's spirits. So maybe this isn't exactly an altruistic act (after all, the title of this article isn't How to Make Others Feel Better), but it's full of good intentions. Lifting someone else's spirits will make you feel good when you see how good they feel. You'll be surprised how easy it is.

Question
How do I shrug off the feeling of being the only poor kid in class? Everyone wears nice clothing and is using latest iPhone. I feel so left behind and lost with my feelings.
Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Answer
Stop focusing on material possessions and comparing your worth to their stuff. Find what makes you a good person and the good qualities you have instead. Focus on those instead of what you lack in material possessions because that is what really matters.
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Question
After my spouse cheated and left the home, he came back. Still, I can't get myself to feel better. Is this ruining the relationship?
Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Answer
You seem to be going against a value of yours. If you do not value a husband who cheated on you, than it will most likely make you feel negative. It's healthy to address your needs and become clear on what you prefer.
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Question
How do I deal with guys I date having a thing for blondes? So far the answer I have come up with is to just be a blonde, but I'm scared that I'm just doing it because I'm insecure.
Community Answer
Lots of guys like blondes, or say they do. Don't dye your hair for someone else's attention. Obviously the guys are into you as well, or they wouldn't date you. If a guy says something about another girl that makes you feel bad, call him on it and tell him you won't accept that kind of behavior.
Not Helpful 3 Helpful 17
Question
I'm always beating myself up for a guy, and I don't even know why I like him. Why?
Uhherm
Community Answer
Don't beat yourself up, and if you have feelings, just let yourself have them and they will pass sooner or later. Also, you could get to know him better or talk to someone else about it!
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Question
How do I feel good about myself if I'm poor and I don't have nice clothes to wear to school?
Community Answer
It's easier said than done (trust me, I know), but try to be confident. If you act confident, people are much less likely to judge you or pay attention to your clothes and how much they might have cost. People are attracted to confidence, humor, and kindness, so focus on those aspects of yourself instead of your clothes. After all, it doesn't cost anything to be kind.
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Question
How can I stop others from insulting me?
Community Answer
You can't, but you can learn to ignore them. Responding to insults only encourages people to continue with them, so the best thing you can do is just walk away.
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Question
The only jobs I am qualified to get are not as good as the ones my boyfriend can get, in terms of pay and prestige. I think he is embarrassed by me. How do I feel better about myself?
Community Answer
Just focus on doing your best in your job. The more you succeed, the better you'll feel about yourself. To add, he should not be embarrassed if his significant other is working hard and working to support herself/himself. If he is embarrassed, it may be time to look into new relationships or talk to him about the issue. No matter what, he should never be bringing your spirit down, but rather uplifting you and supporting you through the challenges of life.
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